Let me guess what brought you here!
Being sick & tired of overcomplicating & overanalyzing food.
I'm here because....
I've always struggled with overthinking and perfection when it came to my diet
I'm tired of starting a new diet, cutting out food, tracking or counting food all the time only to then feel like I 'failed' my new food plan!
I've fallen into the restrict-binge cycle and cannot seem to get out!
I no longer want to dictate my worth based on a number on a scale
I've tried to eat 'intuitively' before, but never really could let my food fears go!
I'm done battling my plate and letting food control my life
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Good News, LOVE!
Whether all of the above applied or you only checked one of the boxes, trust me, you're in the right place!
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I struggled with trying to "perfect" my diet & body for almost a decade! Always hoping it would bring me a sense of peace, worthiness, or clarity in my life if I just lost 5 more pounds... and you may be the same way! I've come to realize that my experience is nothing special, in fact, millions of people feel the same about food that I used to. I used to stress over how many carbs were in my oatmeal bowl that morning, worry about how I was going to find a 'healthy' food option during my lunch-break, and sadly how I was going to hide my late-night binge sessions from my boyfriend.
Suffice it to say, I know a thing or two about how it feels to always be at war with food and I just want you to know >> It doesn't have to be this way.
I really thought that 'fixing' my food would fix my problems! I figured 'beautiful, thin models seem to have the perfect bodies & diets & perfect lives, so all I have to do is achieve the image of health or the image of perfection or success to THEN finally feel good about who I was & what I had to offer the world!
I quickly learned that perfectionism will never be pleased.
It didn't matter how many different ways I exercised or ate... I felt like I wasn't ever going to be good enough!
I wanna share a secret with you, I still don't recognize the girl in these pictures.
. . . . . . . . .
Because I truly believed that I was just meant to spend my life battling food!
My food obsession began in seventh grade. I went to a doctor's visit and when I stepped off the scale, my heart sank and I saw the doctor look at his graph and point to where I was and where I was supposed to be. He told me I needed to lose weight.
And that single moment in time threw me into a 10 year spiral of believing that if I ate 'wrong' or if I ate 'badly' or 'unhealthily' that then I was wrong, bad, and unhealthy.
I began to identify with my diet.
I put all my self-worth into the size on my pants and the calories on my plate.
& my struggle with food changed throughout those 10 years with one single common denominator:
Whenever I felt bad about myself, I had to fix my feelings by 'fixing' my diet and my body.
Sound familiar to you?
Every time I would wake up and feel that I looked ugly or I didn't have enough friends or I would never get perfect grades, every time I felt unworthy or insecure in myself, I figured it had to be because I wasn't eating
Because I was fed the lie that beautiful, thin, dieting humans on the Internet never had problems.
& I found comfort and a sense of distraction in manipulating my food in the hopes to manipulate the way I felt about myself.
By the time I entered college, I couldn't 'calm down' around food to save my life! As an over-achieving, type A, perfectionist that I was >> I had made it my mission to achieve the 'perfect' body & diet no matter what, even though looking back at those years of my life...
I wasn't even really sure what I was seeking for in the first place or what would have finally made me feel enough to stop dieting or binging or restricting or cycling!
& the cycle continued
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Throughout college, I was either not eating any carbs, fat, or salty foods or I was gorging on 18 cookies a night, there was no sense of balance between me, my food, and my brain. I would spend hours making new workout programs for myself, calculate my calories over & over again only to eat an entire large pizza Friday night to myself hidden in my dorm room alone.
I could not stop thinking about food.
Counting, measuring and weighing my food.
& then binging on food
Feeling like I had 'failed' >> like I had to completely start over tomorrow morning with a new diet, new workout plan, new weight loss goal
I was running this cycle on autopilot and I've never felt more alone, more crazy, more 'broken' in my entire life, which is the exact way you may be feeling right now.
So, please, PLEASE do not lose hope, love! Because this is where the story takes a beautiful turn & where yours can right now too!
I learned that I had to stop 'fixing' things that didn't need to be fixed & ignoring the pain that could no longer be ignored.
I was determined to finally recover from my eating disorder & overall poor food relationship! I could no longer live this way day in & day out battling my food at every meal, snack, and time in-between. I was fed up with missing dinners, parties, weddings, and friendsgivings just because I was nervous if they cooked with oil or not. I could not longer lie to my family or boyfriend and say that I was fine, when really the night before I had cried myself to sleep after eating three hamburgers and 3 tubs of ice cream alone in my dorm room. I could no longer stomach not trusting myself, not being present, not feeling connecting to my body... I could not longer be the perfect, organized, involved, achieving Emily...
I was struggling & I needed to admit that to myself.
. . . . . . . . .
& XOEM was born!
Many people don't know this, but when I first began my blog was right around the time that I had finally committed to my recovery, and many people don't know this because I didn't publish my blog initially for four months.
Yep, four months.
Sincerely, XO Emily actually began as love letters that I wrote to my past self. Hence the 'sincerely, xo emily' :)
I never in a million years could have imagined that it would blossom into a blog, business, book, and brand all around helping people just like you finally embrace their fully free lives!
I finally published it (I stopped being a chicken) and the more & more souls I connected with, the more I realized that there was a HUGE group of people who felt misunderstood in their food struggles!
Sweet Souls like YOU & I!
Souls who their entire lives had always felt alone. Had always been praised by other people for getting straight A's, playing 6 varsity sports, working three jobs, and also being President of 16 clubs. Souls who had entered the work force with the determination to shoot to the moon, who had worked their butts off at their corporate jobs or bent over backwards running a side hustle while taking care of three children at home! These humans weren't broken or silly or stupid!
They were goal-oriented, organized, perfectionistic, creative, and ambitious souls who just needed to realize one special ounce of wisdom:
That their worth was not dictated by their diets or bodies.
Something they had never thought of before! Something they struggled to believe, something they could not seem to let go of!
These people were determined, high-strung, and high-performing individuals who the world had somewhat glamorized for being 'perfect' and yet deep down, they were suffering. They were exhausted. They were sick & tired of feeling sick & tired and they didn't know how to ever find that balance, that intuition, that ability to relax and let go of their food rules, restrictions, and routines.
They were just like me.
& now I am determined to help you.
As the girl who never in a million years could have ever imagined herself being able to wake up and not weigh myself immediately, being able to go to a restaurant and order off the menu not off MyFitnessPal, as a girl now able to miss workouts or set running goals for myself always with the right intentions to care for my being and not hurt her, I had to share what I had learned with the world.
Because I had tried to change my diet again & again.
I had tried to change my body again & again.
I had tried to change my diet & body once more just to see if it would FINALLY make me feel happy...
It never did the trick.
Because the real trick was healing the reason I ever struggled with food in the first place. The real trick was sitting with myself & being honest and vulnerable about what I was feeling & how 'not okay' I really had become. The trick was finding someone to help me along my own healing journey, to be a part of a community of support, to finally speak back to the voice in my head that I had always just blindly listened to telling me that,
If I just ate less, I would be worth more.
I would just like to say, "I would no longer take life advice from someone trying to take your life away."
& so our journey together begins
And for my path, my journey, my love letters & life lessons, I just want to say, "I am forever grateful that you're here. That you are you. & that you are ready to let go of your perfectionism around food and your body once and for all!"
Because as a recovered food obsessor myself, I can 101% say
“I had been deceived. The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that there was something wrong with me.”
So, let's stop trying to 'correct' something that was never wrong in the first place.
Sincerely, XO Emily