How to Embrace Change
“If you want change, you must be willing to invite chaos.”
Usually, I try to make my blog posts filled with tips, tricks, challenges, or steps you can take to better your life, find a new favorite hobby, work on your self-love journey, etc.
This is not one of those posts.
This post is a letter, a reminder, an epiphany if you will of deeper meaning:
You have to go through hell to make it to heaven.
Let’s dive into this.
Comfort. Comfort and complacency are two of the most dangerous forces in this world. Now, you may be shaking your head thinking, “Comfort is safe and complacency is being thankful for where you are and what you have there.” I’m not talking about safety or gratitude, I’m talking about comfort and complacency within yourself, for your current state, for your brain, body, soul right here and now… being complacent.
We have to change that.
Change is inevitable and the more we fight it and fear it the more it’s going to bruise and battle us right back.
Take my eating disorder for example. I never wanted to get better because getting better meant getting bigger and getting bigger meant losing control and if there is one thing I LOVE it’s control.
So, I became complacent. I told myself (and deeply believed) that I was never going to live a life without my eating disorder. How could I? To live a life without my eating disorder meant I had to change and change, my sweet loves, is a scary bitch.
Change is uncomfortable. It’s sometimes dark and depressing. It can be lonely and confusing, agitating and infuriating, it can be well…. hell.
To beat my eating disorder I had to let go. I had to admit that I was wrong. I had to take responsibility for my actions. AND I had to release control. I had to experience change. I had to be uncomfortable A LOT. I had to refuse complacency or acceptance that this was just “how my life was” or “the battle I was destined to always fight.”
Let me make something very clear, “You are not meant to spend your entire life fighting.”
To get out of this war within myself I had to step outside. Outside my body, my own beliefs, my noggin for sure. I had to step outside my safety blanket, insecurities, comfort zone, and current routine. I had to start anew. I had to change. If I refused to change, I was refusing myself growth. I was denying myself the ability to no longer be sick. I didn’t want to spend one more day being sick. That I knew for sure.
If you have something in your life that is weighing you down, that is making you upset, insecurities you may feel or if you realize you are constantly battling, stop.
Is it more enticing to continue living your life in pain, self-deprecation, negativity, or denial of what you are experiencing and how much it is affecting you all because it has become…. Your home?
My eating disorder was my home. It was what I knew best. It was my best friend, my worst enemy. It was my bottom line and my ride or die. Because I don’t like chaos. I don’t like being unsure, unaware, out of control. I could control my eating disorder… or did it control me?
My point here is my eating disorder was VERY comforting even though that may be hard to understand. See bad habits can be, and usually are, extremely comfortable to us. Why? Because comfort is not security.
Comfort comes from you continuously being committed to something. It becomes your home and your reality. When you place all your belief and trust into something it disguises itself as comfort. I truly believed losing more weight would make me more comfortable. It did not.
Our houses are comfortable for us, but that doesn’t mean they are safe exactly. They are comfortable to us because that’s all we know and that’s where we place our energy and trust in. We believe they are best for us, so strongly in fact that we see other places as not as comforting.
Do not place your energy and trust in something that causes you pain because it will disguise itself to you like a cozy, snug place for you to be.
It is not snug or cozy.
My eating disorder didn’t care about me. It still doesn’t. It didn’t love me.
But, I cared a lot about it! And sometimes I still do.
I had to not care. I had to let go. I had to release the friendship and the knot we shared. I had to walk away. I had to say goodbye. I had to change. And change brings chaos.
That’s why we fear change. We fear the storm. We fear the darkness or the unknown path. We believe that it would be better to stay as we are than to try to run a different race. With mental illness, insecurities, even jobs, dreams, relationships, we as humans fear being uncomfortable but being uncomfortable is where you can and will truly shine.
You cannot blossom like a flower if your soil is soiled. Even if that soil is all you have ever known, all you believe will ever feel safe to you, get new soil.
Nothing ever got better in my little eating disorder life.
I thought oh if I change this one thing or read this one book, I’ll heal.
If I start this new diet, buy this product, listen to this Podcast, paint my face this way, I will be so much better off.
If I pretend like I’m not hurting, if I refuse to admit that I’m struggling, if I wake up and start journaling, my suffering will go away.
Big, FAT false.
Ya know the number one thing that helped me change?
Welcoming those storm clouds, baby!
I knew it would hurt a lot.
I would be uncomfortable a lot.
I would want to give up. I would regret starting my recovery.
I would hate people along the way who were only trying to help.
I would cry over meals.
I would panic over my tight clothes.
I wouldn’t smile for days.
I would lay in bed fearful of what my future held.
I would live in utter chaos.
And yet, staying the way that I was with the attitude, mindset, belief, pain, hatred, fear, holding hands with my eating disorder... was way worse than experiencing the list above.
Way fucking worse.
You cannot change, you will not change without pain, tears, sweat, honestly blood maybe, regret, remorse, restless nights, numb days, yelling, screaming, running away…. But, always returning to dance in the rain.
You cannot get better if you fear being uncomfortable.
However, from my experience being uncomfortable was the first time in my life I was surrounded by comfort.
I had friends and family supporting me. I had online love and friendships cheering me on. I felt powerful and confident in myself and my message. I felt accomplished and I gained a respect for myself from myself, all from stepping outside my own house, the one I had built for me.
Chaos is the only thing certain to bring about change.
Chaos is chaotic.
Dance with it.
Run with it.
Recover from it.
Change is valuable.
It is slow and steady.
It is two steps forward, one step back, and repeat.
It is gentle and aggressive.
Only after a storm does the rainbow shine.
Whatever you are battling right now. Whatever you are struggling with here. Whatever is tugging at your soul. Whatever is leaving you restless. Whatever makes you anxious in the morning or sleepless at night. Whatever you fear and whatever does not serve you.
Whatever has no place in your life, world, heart, soul, mind, body, or spirit, my sweet loves, change it.