The First Blog to Read <3 Em
I’m not even sure where to begin… let’s start with …
Hi! I’m Emily! I’m a young 20-something living in Boston and trying to find myself… blah, blah, blah. However, I wasn’t always trying to ‘find myself or my purpose’ or traveling about or trying every flavor of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream with my boyfriend (Phish Food is the BEST flavor hands down!) In fact, for most of my life up till this point, I actually spent the majority of my time trying to hide. Hiding my food, hiding my body, hiding my daily rituals, hiding my workouts, hiding my calorie-counters, and scales. Hiding my pain and in turn, hiding myself from most people in my life.
Don’t get me wrong, no one ever actually knew I was hiding! I’ve always been outgoing, adventurous, friendly, motivated, an over-achiever, and type A perfectionist who loved to clear, organize, work hard, and have fun. However, deep down, I was more miserable than most people would have ever believed. Because I didn’t know how to not struggle with food.
Since the age of 12, I have had one major focus: my weight. If you’ve never heard my story before allowing me to explain. At twelve years old, I went to the doctor's office for my yearly check-up. Up until this point, I was a ‘normal’ kid when it came to my body image or plate. I ate freely. Played sports. Was always somewhat of a more muscular girl, but truly had no problems when it came to the scales or the cafeteria lines. Until I was weighed that day and my doctor showed me a chart. The chart had one line drawn in black that I assumed was the normal/average trend line of weight to height ratios for kids my age.
Then, there was this single red dot way above the line.
That dot was me.
Now, this may sound dramatic, but I don’t mean it to sound that way at all! From that moment over the following decade of my life, I tried to run from being that red dot. Other factors held me in the depths of my eating disorder. I was a high-strung, high-achiever and when I set my mind to something, I was going to do it!
Mix my controlling personality with my desire to people please and be validated by everyone that came into my life and you’ve got yourself one mess of a storm!
I was hospitalized diagnosed with anorexia 5 months after my yearly check-up. I had lost a lot of weight is not a lot of time and my friends, family, and teachers/coaches were beginning to notice and beginning to be quite concerned.
I, on the other hand, had no idea what was even going on. I truly don’t remember one day of those 5 months. I had become so entranced in my disorder’s evil dance, that I didn’t bat an eye when I was exhausted every second of the day. When I threw away my lunch when I felt aches and pains I had never experienced before, when I lost my period, lost my friends, I never noticed one thing except the scale going down each morning.
Suffice it to say, it was a scary time! One minute I was a free spirit screaming with joy as my family waited in the ice cream line! The next minute, I was sick and scared and confused about how this whole mess had even happened!
And that’s why I’m here writing this blog for you today and all the blogs, posts, podcasts, videos, and more to come after because I didn’t learn how my eating disorder had ever happened and especially how to recover from it until 10 years later.
Ten years of binging and then immediately restricting.
Ten years of weighing myself, my food, my worth day in and day out.
Ten years of hiding food, throwing away food, hating food, coping with food.
Ten years of missing out on moments, canceling plans, crying on bathroom floors.
Ten years of trying this way of eating, trying that way of eating, trying any way of eating.
Ten years that I don’t want you to continue down.
Because I’m no different from you reading this now.
Maybe we struggled with food in different ways perhaps at different times and, of course, for different reasons.
But that’s the secret… we still aren’t so different!
I felt alone when I struggled with food. I felt silly, stupid, naive because I couldn’t ‘calm down’ around dinner or my body in the morning. And I felt misunderstood. I struggled to express myself when it came to the deep pain I was feeling or the intense self-doubt I had been dealing with for so many years.
Everyone that struggles with food (regardless of how) struggles with food for 2 reasons:
-Not feeling worthy of love
-Not feeling good enough for anything else
I struggled with both and that’s why regardless of what therapist I spoke to, what inpatient or outpatient treatment center I went to, I always carried this deep-rooted trauma in my chest.
Because it was never REALLY about food. My disorder was about what I thought food meant about me.
This is why I started this blog and business and brand all around helping you help, well, you!
I wanted to empower people out there to never settle for an okay relationship when it came to their plates because your relationship to food is exactly the same as your relationship to your body, your job, your friends, and your family. It’s the same way you view love. The same way you view money. The same way you view yourself.
Trust me & I am forever grateful to show you what I’m talking about as we journey together. One step forward at a time.