• Emily Formea

Today, I Feel Ugly


I woke up this morning at the same time as I always do. I usually go to the gym before work, so I stumbled out of bed as my alarm went off. I grabbed my gym bag. I brushed my teeth. I triple-checked the weather for that day and I was out the door. I listened to music on my walk to the subway down the street from my apartment. I hopped onto the train and got off about 20 minutes later at my work stop. I walked into my building, went into the women’s dressing room, put my bag away, went to the bathroom and… I look awful.

I stare back at myself in the bathroom mirror. I look fat. I look exhausted. I look bloated. I have acne. I look broad. My hair is not laying correctly. Even my teeth look yellow.


Today, I feel ugly.


And you know what?

That’s fine.


I just walk out into the gym and start my workout.

I complete my workout at my local gym. I am sweating my booty off on the treadmill. I do a little bit of lifting and complete my gym time with a nice ab workout. I am exhausted and in need of a shower. I walk back into the dressing room and boom, there I am, so ugly.

I twist and turn in the mirror. I try to make myself look smaller, curvier, tanner, etc. I smile, frown, angle this way and that way.


Right now, I feel ugly.


And you know what?

That’s fine.


I go and shower. I change my clothes. I pack my bags and leave the gym to head across the hall in my building to my office. I tap my ID card on the door and enter our department. I work all day. I answer emails. I answer phone calls. I take my lunch break. I talk to co-workers. I drink a lot of coffee. I hit that 3 pm slump. I finish my work and I head home around 5 pm.

All day long, I feel ugly. Whether it be when I am snapchatting my friends or when I go to the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. I catch myself checking out my body and looks in every window I pass at my job. I even open my iPhone camera throughout the day to see if the ugly has gone away or if it still there on my face. I feel bloated and uncomfortable sitting in my chair. I thoroughly believe that other people MUST notice how ugly I look today.


And you know what?

That’s fine.


I head home and on the train, I read my book. I read my book, so I cannot stare at myself on my phone screen on in the subway windows. I read and exit at my stop. I get to my apartment door and let myself in. I take a shower, unpack my bags, only to repack them for tomorrow. I make dinner and watch some Netflix. I go over and see my boyfriend. We watch movies and fall asleep together. I laugh and smile with him. I text my family about how my Monday was. I fall asleep feeling ugly.


I wake up feeling beautiful.


It is okay to sometimes feel ugly. For absolutely NO reason. It’s normal to feel awful about yourself from time to time. The difference is as you saw, I always said I ‘felt’ ugly not that I was ugly.


You are allowed to feel ugly. You are allowed to feel fat, sweaty, gross, stupid, etc. You are allowed to want to shave your head and scream at the top of your lungs about how badly you want your acne to go away, but then, you move on.


You move on because you know it is not true.

You continue your day just as planned.

You don’t let your ‘feelings of being ugly’ ruin your day or even your morning.


Feelings are not reality.


I have days all the time where I truly believe I should dye my hair blonde and change my entire wardrobe because whatever I look like at the moment is NOT working. But then, I laugh. I laugh because I know the sick joke my own mind is trying to play with myself. I laugh because it helps prepare me for the rough day ahead. Ugly days are not easy to have, but ugly days end. Ugly days are made up in our own minds.


Ugly days aren’t real, so why would you let them ruin your very real day and your very real blessing of a life.


It is normal to cry putting on skinny jeans one morning. It is normal to remove and reapply your makeup seven times before leaving the house. It is normal to have days where you don’t want to leave the house and your baggiest sweatshirt.


But you do it anyway.

You put the jeans on.

You look in the mirror and smile.

You leave your house because you know how shitty ugly days feel, but you know missing out on your day will be even worse.


We must have ugly days to have beautiful ones. We must know what it feels like to feel down to then know what it feels like to be up.


Embrace ugly days.


They are mind games that only you control.


Today, I feel ugly, so what? Does that mean I shouldn’t go to the gym? Does that mean my boyfriend won’t want me to come over? Does that mean I am ugly?

No.


Feelings are not always reality.

You are allowed to feel ugly, you are not allowed to believe it.


Today, I feel ugly.


And you know what?

That’s fine.


Because I know I’m not. Because I know it doesn’t matter if I was. Because I know I won’t let it ruin my day. Because I know that is exactly what ugly days want to accomplish.


Today, I feel ugly.


Tomorrow, I probably won’t.

Remember that <3


Sincerely,

Emily

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