XOXO Sincerely, Marah
Updated: Oct 28, 2020
Don't want the world to know what makes me weak.
Don't want the world to know that side of me.
My whole life my clothing size never changed significantly until this year. I was a once a slim 18-year-old girl who was insecure that she had no shape, and now at nearly 20 I weight 20 pounds more and I'm still insecure that I have no shape. I beat myself up about it every day as I watch my stomach bloat every time I sit down. Maybe I'm ridiculous for even letting something so irrelevant bother me so much but it does. Growing up I was so skinny I could fit into basically anything. Of course, every girl has insecurities, but my weight was never a problem for me because my height always took first place on my insecurity list. People always told me I should become a model and at a point, I actually considered it, until I told myself that I'm not good enough to become one. Even at the young age of 13, I thought that it didn't make sense to be a model because I didn't even have a thigh gap, I've been beating up on myself for too long and I know that something needs to change.
Sometimes I can be really mean to myself, so mean I make myself weak. There's a side of me that can be so harsh and judgmental to myself.
My negative thoughts can be so overwhelming they can kill my happiness almost instantly.
Freshman 15 is real. I didn't believe it when I first got to college but now I know it as something that's truer than ever but it is avoidable. I mean think about it. You're an adult now, you get to control almost every aspect of your life. You get to choose where you go, when you go, how you go, you get to decide what you eat, what you do with your life every day and it's a rush, a rush of power and it's invigorating. But that's where the problems lie, the power gets to your head and you overdo it. Too much of anything is bad, and sadly when we take advantage of our freedom we have to pay for it.
What is so unfortunate about this is that it really does sneak up on you, it builds up and you don't notice it until the damage has already been done and you have to face the guilt and the fact that you haven't been taking care of yourself the way you should be. I used to be a vegetarian with great eating habits and now all I do is eat. I started to get stretch marks on my hips and thighs and all I would do is get upset every time I saw them. Every day I pinch my stomach and I get mad at myself that I can barely feel my ribs anymore.
Crop tops were my favorite piece of clothing to wear, but now I have a drawer of about 30 of them that are left unworn because most of them are too tight and my stomach looks much bigger than before. I blame myself, but I also blame the stress of life that's kept me up late at night and has sucked all of my energy each day.
I'm aching to reach that point in my life where I'm completely confident about myself but I'm only human. We're always going to be a work in progress in life because we can always do better and be better and we have to accept that. I've strived to be perfect, but all that's gotten me is more stress and more anxiety. It's a battle that I want to surrender but it's hard to let go of my insecurities. For starters, I've come to accept my stretch marks and I don't let them bother me anymore because they're completely normal! My clothes don't fit the way they used to but that doesn't mean I should get upset and beat myself up about it, it means that I need to really sit down and think about how I'm treating myself. Fashion is such a positive thing for me because I have the ability to use my clothes to build my confidence so that I can show the world who I am and feel good about it. I want to be able to show other ladies like me that even though they have body insecurities it is possible to feel good about yourself when you love and accept yourself, and wearing clothes that make you feel great definitely helps as well!
In the world today, there are so many girls out there like me who look at themselves in such a negative way. It hurts me to think that so many girls out there think those awful things about themselves that I think about myself. We have to appreciate the beautiful bodies we've been given no matter the shape or size and value ourselves as humans.
Although my fear is that I will never feel the way I used to, healthy, strong and more confident, I know that anything is possible as long as I love myself (by wearing clothes that make me feel awesome) and take care of me.
You don't have to be a certain jean size or dress size to feel good about yourself, you have to wear the clothes that make you feel amazing and don't settle for anything less than that! So, stop putting yourself down, you really are your own worst enemy and your harshest critic (I'm very guilty of it). You don't deserve to be treated that way. You are always going to be you. You are going to be with you for the rest of your life. You only have one life and one body, you have to always love it and accept it no matter how hard it can be. Make a promise that you will always take good care of you, try to find something to appreciate about yourself every day no matter how big or small it is. Do something to make you feel good about yourself, whether it's buying your favorite drink to start off the day, going to the gym, or putting on that dress that makes you look and feel incredible.
Here's a reminder from me to you
You are beautiful, you are strong, you are smart, YOU ARE ENOUGH.
Take each day as a blessing and love yourself as much as you can!
Meet and connect with the the oh so lovely, Marah Jacobs!
Hey, my name is MJ❤️
I’m a Fashion Communication major in college and I’ve created my blog Style Flow to show ladies like me how to have an affordable style that will last!
I want to empower women and show them that style is possible for everyone, no matter what shape or size you are. As someone who battles with herself inside, I have already started to change my negative body image through fashion and self-care.
I am on the road towards a more free and joyful life, and I want ladies like you to join me on this journey!